I had originally planned to call this post “S´mores & More”, but I felt I had to talk about something more serious thats been bothering me. I have come to the conclusion that I´ve been worrying too much (thats not really news for those who know me), and it´s been affecting my mood more than I´d like to these past couple of days.
Everything has really been going my way lately, and I´ve had so many ups and so far no real downs. Things have almost been “too good” (which probably sounds ridiculous). Today I have been so stressed out, and I had absolutely no idea why, which just made me even more stressed (go figures).. I think its the fact that everything has become real, and I´ve just been waiting for something to go wrong, or for me to let someone else down. I´m not used to things being this good for me. I feel like I´m stepping on glass, trying not to ruin anything or saying the wrong thing. I´ve tried avoiding having too many expectations, both for this year and for myself – because I´m afraid of failing or losing anything I have. I´m afraid of being too excited and look forward to things – always trying to avoid the possibility of being let down or letting myself down. I´ve been given opportunities that I never thought I would be capable of doing or that I´d be good enough for, and the thought of losing it or not being sufficient is stressing me out way more than it should. I´ve always been a hard worker, and a lot of the time to the point where I´m so worried about failing that I´d rather stand on the outside watching someone else do it, thinking they would be better at it than I would. It´s been stopping me from doing many things I´ve wanted to do in the past, and its one of the reasons I´ve been so determined to actually go through with this.
I was sitting in my room working on my art project when exactly this determination and thought process hit me again. (I actually had to stop what I was doing, and I´m sure my facial expression would be the human version of ??????). So many questions started flipping through my brain, and I almost felt stupid where I sat. Why should I waste my energy on irrational thoughts that I can actually control the outcome of? Why should I let myself ruin something I know I would good at? Why should I beat myself down and see things for less than what they are, instead of seeing them for what they actually are? I´m done standing on the outside watching everyone else have fun and do what they want to do – so I´m gonna break that bubble. I´m actually well on my way, and I realize that now. The only thing thats been hindering me, is me. Giving yourself credit and being able to see the good in what you´re doing and what you´re achieving is so important if you want to grow. My goal for this year was to step out of my comfort zone and become the best version of myself that I could possibly be, and I know that by at least trying my best and giving my all into my projects, I can achieve it. Worry and fear is what keeps us alive, so I´m not gonna go on a limb and say that I´m gonna throw that all away (´cause I wanna go back with everything intact), but worrying about not being good enough and keeping yourself from things you want to do is just unnecessary and time consuming – just do it! Have fun! Stop doubting yourself and actually take advantage of opportunities you know you would rock! Hesitating won´t get you anywhere, so stepping away from a situation won´t help you achieve your goals.
If I want to do something or be a part of something I should just try my best to actually achieve it and do it, ´cause if I don´t I know I´m going to regret it looking back. I have so much to give and contribute with – and thats what I´m gonna spend my time on doing. I never go through with anything without putting my heart and soul into it, and I feel so honored for many of the things I have the chance to be a part of during my stay here. I just want to extend my knowledge and share and inspire as much as I can, because I love it, its fun, and its also extremely rewarding in soooo many ways. I´m having the time of my life, which I´m sure I´ve mentioned plenty of times – and I´m gonna show it. I´m gonna write it – because I know I´ll love looking back at this when I get older, thats also why I write in such detail. I want to show how amazing an exchange year can be. I´ve only been here for just over a month, and I´ve honestly had the most fun I´ve ever had. I´ve met so many amazing people and done so many things I wouldn´t want to be without – and I´ve gained confidence. Helping portraying that to future exchange students and getting them excited about their year is also one of the reasons I´ve chosen to be so open about everything I´m doing. Before I came here I think I read every blog and watched every video I could find, and it helped me so much with my nerves seeing how they handled both ups and downs. If I can add to that and help someone with questions or nerves about their year, with any of the things I´m sharing, it would be worth it.
That was my little rant about whats been bothering me lately – sorry if its a boring read, but I felt it was important and necessary for me to be open about it (and I did say I would share my thoughts and feelings too, not just what I get up to). Giving yourself credit for your achievements is so important, I can´t stress that enough – especially if its something you´ve pushed yourself to do.
I feel 10 times better now – and the only way is up!